I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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