Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you told grandpa to call you daddy
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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