Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
