I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
