I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
