i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
