Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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