Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We have started to decorate penises.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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