Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
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We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
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I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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