I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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