I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
