He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
