Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
True strength comes from lack of pants
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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