the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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