First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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