i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
