I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
