I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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