tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
