She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
