Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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