I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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