how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
