Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
