I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
