My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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