Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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