The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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