Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
