for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
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Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
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I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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