I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
