Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
