Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
