Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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