He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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