totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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