Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.