And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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