im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
