We won't sleep together?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
