I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
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I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
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SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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