I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
