Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.