the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me