Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
