Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
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Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
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In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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