Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I think pants incapable of making pants work
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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