oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
