Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
