Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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