I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
