Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
