How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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