That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
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Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
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Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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