dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
