My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
